Author Archive

What is the best help for your ADHD child?

There has been mention on social media recently about the possible undesirable effects of long-term ADHD medication usage on the brain.  While some children do benefit from these drugs, we naturally hesitate to put them at meaningless risk. It makes perfect sense, then, to consider every possible alternative to help address those frustrating symptoms shown by children diagnosed with ADHD rather than settling for a prescription. Drugs are not the only solution.

The best source of help might be a medical doctor who practices functional or integrative medicine. They are listed on the internet and a short search should reveal someone near you and whether or not they have a particular interest in children.

Why a functional medical practitioner?  Because they are thorough!  Your first appointment will probably last at least an hour because rather than looking to make a snap diagnosis, they focus on what might be the cause of the ADHD behaviours and what triggers those behaviours. Indeed, as Integrated Learning Therapy (ILT) practitioners find, most children with learning and attentional difficulties have multiple triggers including (but not limited to) food sensitivities and intolerances, environmental offenders including toxins, a diet lacking in essential nutrients and an unhealthy gut.

If you suspect that diet might be underlying your child’s struggles, here are five major dietary steps that you can take before going the medication route:

  1. Follow an anti-inflammatory diet. This is easier than it sounds because such a diet is basically what the world considers to be a healthy eating plan. The Mediterranean diet is a good example and the internet abounds with recipes. Chronic inflammation underlies ADHD (as well as many other health conditions), and our modern lifestyle and ways of eating (processed foods, reliance on pastas, pizzas and refined foods) promote inflammation. Good oils, like omega-3, help with inflammation too, so if a child resists eating grilled or baked fish, offer walnuts and pumpkin seeds or a good fish oil supplement.
  2. Consider an elimination diet. Gluten, dairy, and other potential food sensitivities can wreak havoc on our immune systems. This in turn causes increased inflammation with problems like leaky gut. ILT practitioners find that changing diet brings about hugely positive changes in mood, health and school performance in children labelled with ADHD.
  3. Resist the allure of foods based on refined, white flours and sugars and full of additives. Supply your family with whole, nutrient-rich foods. The simple sugars found in ‘white’ foods (bread, flour) are frequently found to increase ADHD behaviours, particularly attention problems and hyperactivity. deficiencies. Artificial colours and preservatives can be hidden triggers – often shown by explosive behaviours, aggression or lethargy.  You might see a dramatic turn about in a child’s behaviour when they are fuelled by fruits, vegetables and good proteins.
  4. Make sure your child is not deficient in critical nutrients.You might need medical help for this as only a blood test will show which vitamins and minerals are lacking in your child.   Generally, many children with ADHD show low levels of B-vitamins, vitamin D, Magnesium and Zinc.  Many parents do give their children a multivitamin supplement but it is sometimes less helpful to guess and work in the dark.
  5. Consider the health of your child’s gut. There is increasing knowledge of the importance of the gut-brain connection and ILT practitioners see the influence of gut health on learning and behaviour on a daily basis!  An adequate diet will supply probiotics, prebiotics and fibre-rich foods that encourage good bacteria in the intestines. In turn, these will eliminate the bad.

ILT practitioners value the help and insights shared by Integrative/Functional medical doctors.  We see the benefits of following these guidelines in our own work with children who are failing to thrive in their schools.  Here is a letter received from one of our practitioners recently:

I had a meeting with xxxx yesterday after his month on the diet.  Wow, he is a different boy. Eyes are sparkly and wide awake, chatting and answering questions.  Walked in with confidence. Mom did so well with the diet and he was good in following her lead.

His teacher noticed improvements in his participation in class and concentration and mom and dad are very happy so far.

ILT practitioners have many similar success stories to share.  It pays to look holistically at a child and to avoid diagnoses that are made without due regard for the complexities of a condition such as ADHD.

 

Why should some children repeat Grade R?

Most pre-school children amaze us with their ability. Little Hanlie, at aged two, can name all the animals in her favourite picture book.  Hansie names most of the cars on the road before his third birthday and many four year olds are fascinated by dinosaurs and know their long, difficult names.

Then they begin school and the wheels come off.  This can be devastating, especially if they have been encouraged to start school early because of their demonstrated intelligence. It is so important for families to know that even if their child has learned to read at a very early age, they may not be ready to learn.  Things may go well in the first year or so but slowly progress falls behind.  Very often parents come along (wisely) for a neurodevelopment evaluation and tell us that the child will be repeating Grade R because of emotional immaturity.  This is not entirely accurate.  Failing to cope with school has far more to do with brain maturity – what we call a state of learning readiness at school-going age.

Brain age vs chronological age

The trouble is that children are sent to school at an age determined by their birthday rather than by their stage of brain development. We are not robots, programmed to behave predictably.  We are human beings who have a very personal timetable of development.  Our brains are not ready to learn at a prescribed date but are subject to growth spurts that determine its level of functioning.  Strategies for teaching reading, for example, will be different for children who have not yet fully developed the connections between the two brain hemispheres.  Children may seem to be learning to read well but after Grade 3, begin to fail because they have relied on the look and see methods which is basically aimed at the right brain hemisphere.  This is too limiting and they may have to be taught all over again.

Teachers are very well aware that boys are slower in brain development than girls.  We also know that there are more boys who experience learning and school-related behavior problems (e.g. hyperactivity) than girls.  The theory goes that, since boys’ brains develop more slowly, their brains remain longer in the very early brain stages, making them more vulnerable to viral damage or any slight accidents.

A maturity lag can cause all kinds of problems.  If, for example, a child’s visual system is not fully developed, he might not be able to clearly differentiate letters.  This means that he may learn the word ‘d-o-g’ by recognizing the shape of the whole word, reinforced by having the word accompanied by many pictures.  But using pictures to remember individual words won’t help him when he has to do more advanced reading.  They don’t help him use letters to read other words.   These are ‘splinter skills’ that children develop that work well for a while but not in the higher grades.

And in the higher grades, few realise that the child is having problems because he was never ready to read in the first place.

It’s important to know a child’s stage of brain development

It is so important to consider an assessment of brain development before deciding on school entry.  Far more important than school readiness is the knowledge that the child’s brain is ready to learn.

For neurodevelopmental reasons, it is disturbing to consider the consequences for certain children following the government’s suggestion that no child will be held back in Grade R.  Sometimes it is necessary to do so.  To counter this, give careful thought to arranging to have your child assessed before school entry.  By assessment, we mean NOT school readiness, but learning readiness – which is not the same thing.

 

Your memory and how it works

This post contains an extract from Dr Don Blackerby’s ‘Rediscover the joy of learning’.

Dr Blackerby has a Neuro-Linguistic Programming background and works largely with children presenting with ADHD symptoms and other learning problems. 

If you find yourself working with or helping children with learning difficulties, it is sometimes rewarding for you and them to intersperse the ILT programme with some useful learning strategies. If you like the extract given below, you might be interested in reading the rest of his book.  Shirley has personally shared the spelling strategy with many children, and with great success!  It is fun to see them succeed and show a spurt of confidence and self-esteem.

Often in school, learners are asked to remember some important information. This may be spelling words, vocabulary words, dates, names, etc.  Too many times the learners flounder around trying very hard to memorise the information and yet when test time comes, they find that they cannot remember it. Many times this comes from the fact that they have no idea how their memory works or how to store and retrieve information in their brain. The following is one way that is useful – particularly in academic subjects.

In order for your memory to work for you and for you to trust your memory, you need to know the following: 

  • Where you are storing the information
  • That you have the information well represented internally
  • How to retrieve the information

Your choices of where to store information are limited to five well-known senses – visual, auditory, kinesthetic (touch and feeling), smell or taste. In school, for all practical purposes, you are limited to auditory, kinesthetic and/or visual.

The auditory field has a major limitation in that it is linear. That is, you can only consciously process one word at a time and it has to be in a particular order. It is, therefore, very slow. For many learners the auditory field is also very boring. The auditory field is very useful in singing, reciting and other subjects requiring auditory recall. In the academic subjects, it is most useful for retrieval purposes.

The kinesthetic field is very useful in sports, typing and other like typing ‘use the body’ subjects, but for most of the academic subjects it is difficult to store information in and it is also very slow.

While all three play an important part in memory, your visual field has many advantages. `it is the fastest.  It is the most interesting to learners of today who were brought up on TV and other screens. You can store vast amounts of information in one picture and access any part of it instantly.

So, for academic subjects like spelling, vocabulary, history, maths, etc., the best field to store the information is in the visual field. That is, make internal pictures in your mind’s eye of whatever it is you are trying to remember. It may be the actual word or date or it may be a picture of the meaning of the word. Later we will cover how the auditory and kinesthetic fields can be very useful in the third point above – that is in how to retrieve information.

Now that we know to store the information in pictures, the question arises about the second point – how to know we have a good picture.  The answer is easy but takes practice for some people. If you are trying to store a word, for example, you take a picture of what the word looks like. When you think you have a good clear picture in your mind’s eye, you spell the word backwards – from right to left. This is a check to see if you have a good picture because you can only smoothly spell the word backwards if you have a good picture.

Once you can do this, the question arises about how to retrieve it. Many tests in school are given auditorially – that is, the teacher asks the question or the learner reads the question by sounding out the words. Therefore, we want the sound of the words to ‘hook’ or bring up the picture of the information so the learner can answer the question off his or her internal picture.

This will happen if you connect the sound of the information to the internal picture. To do this, you simultaneously say the information while you hold the picture of the information in your mind’s eye.  The fact that you are looking at the picture while saying the information logically connects the sound and the picture. A learner learning a spelling word, for example, needs to practice this sound and picture connection about 6 to 8 times, preferably over several days.[1]

Developing a visual learning strategy

One of the most common problems that some learners have is the tendency to not make visual images of the words they hear.  This creates several problems with these learners.

  1. They have to resort to a slower learning strategy such as auditory or kinesthetic. The visual strategy is significantly faster.
  2. For most academic subjects the auditory and kinesthetic strategies are inappropriate and even boring, so the learner who does not know how to make these images is forced to work longer and harder at a task that is boring and ineffective. Guess what this learner’s reaction will be when he is faced with the task of doing his homework or of paying attention in the classroom?

Why would the students not translate the words they read and hear into visual images? Obviously most of them don’t know they are supposed to do it!  Learners sometimes show amazement and surprise at the idea that they could make up their own pictures for the words they were reading off the pages of their textbooks.

One of the causes of this seems to occur in the transition of the reading instruction from the early grades to the middle grades. In the early grades when a word is introduced to the learner, a picture of the object is displayed next to the word. The learner has a natural bridge from seeing and saying the word to having an internal image of the object.  If the instruction also requests the learner to access an experience the learner has had relative to the object, then the word also has a bridge to the kinesthetic (having the learner find a use for the word or make up a sentence using the word can also create a kinesthetic experience for the learner).

This practice is fairly quickly discontinued, however, and the learners have to make up their own pictures.  As learners get older and the words get more abstract, it becomes less natural and harder to do and nobody seems to inform them that they should make pictures of the material and some never get around to it.

Because of the way reading is taught in the grade schools, some learners learn to read by just saying the words, either externally or internally. They do not transform into either visual or kinesthetic unless they already have that accidentally installed in their heads by a personal experience.  For example, a learner who is shown and handles a copy of the country’s Constitution will have a rich visual/auditory/kinesthetic representation of the word Constitution.  When he reads that word in a history book, for example, the rich internal representation will be elicited. Obviously, the schools can’t rely on all learners having these kinds of experiences in all of the subjects they teach.

These rich internal representations can be deliberately internally generated by the learners and the schools need to teach how to do this to those learners who have not yet figured it out. In fact, one of the primary differences between the better learners and the struggling learners is this very ability

So, what do the learners do who haven’t yet learned to do this? Besides not doing their homework, or at least procrastinating on doing it, what kind of learning strategies do they come up with to attempt to do their homework? Well, some are very ingenious!

One well-meaning teenager complained that her studying took too long, much longer than her fellow students. It seemed to her that what the other learners could get accomplished in one hour, took her several hours to do, and it was getting worse with the passing years.  This was a very conscientious student who wanted to succeed in school but was becoming very depressed by her lack of success and the downward trend of her marks. In fact, it was affecting her self-esteem and her attitude about school.

On looking at her reading strategy, it seemed that she used a very complicated auditory strategy. After she had read for a while (by sounding out the words internally) she would realise she did not know what she had read and go back and read it again – this time slower! After trying it a couple of times slower and slower, she would go back to each major word and auditorially insert the definition of the word in the sentence. Guess what that did to her reading speed?

The major words would be words for which she did not have a visual representation. In her case, because her parents had provided a rich background, she had some internal representations of abstract words but not all. She literally would have holes in her comprehension of what she was reading. That’s why she would go back and insert definitions of the major words. She would ultimately comprehend, but only after much effort and in a time consuming manner.

Another young man had much the same problem only he had not had the rich experiences the young lady had so he didn’t have holes in his comprehension, he just didn’t have any comprehension. He was also a dedicated student who spent all of his spare time studying. He was a seventh grade learner who stopped building his reading vocabulary (visual representation) when the schools stopped giving him pictures with words. As the words got more and more abstract, he got further and further behind because all he could do was slow down his reading and try again and again. The only words that elicited a visual representation in him were words that described objects or actions in his real world. This is quite a limitation in school.

So what can be done with these learners? Can they be taught to read and learn so that it is interesting? The answer is YES – and Don tells us to read on!

But first a summary:

To be able to visualize in rich detail, to be able to hold the image so steady you can copy off it, to be able to instantly access large amounts of information, is a skill so significantly valuable for succeeding in school.  The learners who do it have an easier time and do far better in school then the students who don’t.

Back in the olden days (before television), children listened to stories told by their elders or on radio and they made up the pictures because they had to in order to really enjoy the story (sound effects also helped).  Now with TV, the pictures are ready made. I haave had many students who do well in the classroom when the teacher visually presents the material and do poorly when the teacher does not.  They simply did not know that they were supposed to make up their own pictures and the teachers did not know they were supposed to teach them to do it.

One last reason for teaching a visual learning strategy. Imagine having an audio tape of a class you were taking. You can remember the teacher talking about a particular topic, parts of which you could remember including the terms he used. If you wanted to access that information from the audio tape, you would have to do it in a linear fashion. That means you would have to play the tape from the first and listen to every word until you got to the terms you were listening for.  That is time consuming. Now imagine that you have the lecture stored as a detailed photograph or picture. As soon as you say the word or term to yourself and picture what it would be like, you would have instant access to the part of the lecture you were looking for. That is what a visual learning strategy offers. The old cliché that a ‘picture is worth a thousand words’ is only a part of the power of the visual learning strategy. The fact that you have instant access to any part of the picture is what is really helpful to you as the student.

Applying this principl 

Let’s see how a visual strategy can help when learning spelling words.  Many learners are told to write the words five to ten times or to sound the words out phonetically. Sometimes

This works but many times it does not.  Try this extremely effective strategy  for learning spelling words in an easy and fun way.

All excellent spellers have one trait in common. They spell a word off of a very clear internal picture of the word. So the question is how do we teach other learners to do that?  In order to help a child learn to spell using this new spelling strategy, it is important you lead her through these steps for each new spelling word:

  1. Have her write the word divided into syllables (e.g. Gau teng).
  2. Have her analyse the word by scrutinizing each syllable and discussing which one is likely to prove difficult to remember. With the example given, a child may well say that the sound of the letters ‘au’ in Gau may be mistaken as ‘ow’ and cause them to make a mistake.Becoming aware and cognitively processing this type of information helps memory and also keeps the child personally involved in the learning.
  3. Now she looks at the spelling word and REMEMBERS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.If the word is long, make a picture of each syllable and then put all the pictures together.

From from her internal image, have her spell the word BACKWORDS (from right to left) out loud to you.  You check to make sure she spells it correctly. Have her do it several times.

  1. Once she can spell it backwards (and only then), have her sound the word out WHILE looking at the internal image of the word. This ‘hooks’ the sound of the word to the internal image of the word.
  2. Then have her spell it from left to right off the internal image.
  3. Praise her for her success and new skill.Go to the next spelling words and repeat the steps.

After the above strategy has been completed on each of the spelling words, practice by picking random words off the spelling list and have the learner spell them. After practicing a word six to eight times, the learner should be able to just say the word, see the internal image and spell it correctly, without having to spell it backwards.  Practicing the spelling words over time (like a few days) will drop the correct spelling into long term memory.

Some additional tips and/or variations on using the spelling strategy are 

  1. Get learners into a visualizing mode by having them imagine something very familiar such as a friend, grandparent, pet or movie star.
  2. Before you launch into this spelling strategy with new and difficulty words, teach them the strategy by spending one or two sessions having them learn to spell small and familiar words backwards. Gradually increase the size of the words until they are the same size and complexity as the words on their spelling list. Let them give you words to spell backwards so you can make it a game.
  3. Some variations on step 1 of the spelling strategy are:
    1. Have the learners look at the spelling word and write it down before they make an internal image
    2. Have the learners write the word in the air with their fingers on an imaginarty chalkboard
    3. While you slowly spell the word out loud, have the students ‘print it’ in their minds’ eye. You may have to repeat it several times.
    4. When the words start to get longer, have them break the words down into syllables or miniwords.

Remember that the reason you have the learner spell the word backwards is to assure yourself and her that she has a clear internal image of that word 

[1]

Why do children throw tantrums?

 

We’ve all had the experience of standing hopelessly by while a three-year old writhes on the floor in the throes of a massive tantrum. Recently I witnessed this in a supermarket, where the desperately embarrassed mother tried hard to convince the child why she couldn’t have sweets and to calm down.  It’s hard for a grandmother to resist giving advice so I moved away but was tempted to tell the young mother that her use of logic and reason were literally falling on deaf ears.   It’s all due to the power of the primitive brain that rules in young children.

            Dr Paul MacLean describes the brain’s structure in terms of three levels operating as one.  The lowest level he called the ‘reptilian brain’. This lies at the very base of the brain and is responsible for essential behaviours such as protecting us from danger, adapting to social groups, instinctively foraging for food, and so on.  The next layer is the ‘mammalian brain which is tied up with our emotions and the highest layer is the ‘thinking brain’, the cortex, which is the seat of our highest forms of functioning.

            Now let’s go back to the screaming child on the floor. At her age, she is still in the grip of the reptilian, non-thinking brain.  She simply hasn’t been alive for long enough to see higher brain levels adequately developed yet.   A desire for a sweet or toy being denied causes her to feel that her interests and even safety are threatened.  Strong emotions flood the brain and a meltdown follows.  At this age, she doesn’t have the intellectual controls that develop as we grow. When the reptilian brain is in control, she doesn’t even have access to those areas of the higher brain that may ordinarily be used to listen to reasonable adults.

            While the despairing mom is trying hard to use words to explain her reasoning to the child and offering some choices, those lower brain levels are simply not able to take in and process the language.   It will need time to calm down, so picking her up, giving her a big hug and moving away as quickly as possible from the situation in silence would be a better alternative.

            This is not the time to cajole, punish or manipulate.  Simply keep your cool and get her out of the situation as quickly as possible.  Not always easy when you have to leave a full trolley behind, but helping your child cope with her overwhelming flood of feelings is the priority here.

            The same reason underlies tantrums at home or anywhere else.  The pain of having to stop an enjoyable activity to have a bath ‘NOW’ is too much for a young brain to bear – so a meltdown occurs.  This is one reason why it is wise to warn children of impending changes.  Tell them that playtime will end in 10 minutes, when it is time to bath.  Then tell them when bathtime is 5 minutes away. This gives them time to adjust to the idea of having to stop playing

 

How can I help my child become emotionally strong?

These days, many parents are concerned that children seem to be emotionally immature. They want instant gratification, they demand entertainment rather than managing ‘own time’, they find it difficult to sustain attention, they are easily frustrated and act out their emotions rather than controlling them.  Can you help change this?

Remember that your child was born with the desire to be the best person possible, to grow up and do what she is best fitted to do, to be healthy and happy. For this to happen, she needs to develop physically, mentally but also emotionally. Your job is to give her the opportunity to meet her desires.

 Parents play an important role here.  In the first place, you should be aware of the different factors that can affect her during the growing years.  You also need to realise that she will meet obstacles along the way – either stemming from herself or from her environment. For example, she may show a reluctance to try new things which could be the result of criticism or being compared with others.  You’ll need to know how to act to help minimize negative things and maximize the positive.

 Let’s start with the most basic factors that a child needs in order to develop to full potential.

 Physical needs

Obviously children need shelter, food and clothing in order to thrive.  After these, health is an important factor. Being healthy helps a child face problems more vigorously while ill-health can have negative effects. During illness, children become less active and muscles may lose some tone leading to fatigue and even arrested development.  Illness makes children irritable and anxious and they may show this with temper tantrums. Being frequently ill may be the starting point for problems such as picky eating and behavioural difficulties. Chronic diseases (epilepsy, diabetes) may cause emotional instability by having to be heavily dependent on family members. More minor conditions such as eczema or allergies cause physical discomfort, affecting emotional control, concentration and the lack of will to persevere with something or complete a task.

 Malnutrition and lack of a balanced diet can also lead to low energy levels which in turn will limit curiosity, a will to explore and be independent. 

Side-effects of these conditions may include shyness, depression and anti-social behaviour which will impact on her emotional development.

 Emotional needs

A happy childhood isn’t necessary a guarantee of success in later life but it certainly provides a good foundation for success.  Happy children are normally healthy and energetic.  Happiness in itself is a strong motivation to do things and it seems to help children face obstacles with calmness and a lack of fear. It is also a habit, so happy children very often grow up to be happy, optimistic adults.  Being happy and projecting cheerfulness also helps social relationships, which is a huge boon as children need to interact with others for good social-emotional development.

 Unhappiness, on the other hand, drains a child’s strength and energy and can also affect general health. It stifles motivation, leads to withdrawal and self-occupation which in turn prevents children from learning from experience. Temper tantrums and difficult behaviors are more common in unhappy children.  Generally, happy parents tend to foster happiness in their children so your attitude plays a role as well.

 Parent attitudes

Your feelings about being a parent and the role you adopt as a parent are important. Here are some ways to ensure your attitude is positive:

  • Build confidence and self-acceptance in your child by being confident and accepting of her. Don’t have unrealistic expectations of her and hold idealized wishes for a ‘dream’ child.
  • Set realistic goals to try to avoid failure and keep self-esteem high.This means helping your child know her own strengths and weaknesses – without harping too much on the weaknesses – so that she develops self-understanding.  It is important that she knows about possible limitations.
  • Help her develop her individuality by providing opportunities for learning and experiencing different things. Watch that you don’t overdo this as children need time out from activities to play and interact with their families.  Also watch your timing.  Don’t expect her to enjoy, master or learn an activity if she is not developmentally ready for it.
  • Often a child reaches a temporary plateau in her development.Don’t be misled into believing that she has reached her limit.  It may be that with a little encouragement from you, she could advance further.
  • Teach your child to relate to and be aware of others. She needs to learn to make friends.  Model empathy for others as well so that she can learn compassion too.  Happy, healthy children show empathy quite early on in their lives.  And if unsocial behaviours are noted, don’t ignore them. Try to correct these before they become habits and possible lead her to being excluded from her peer group.
  • Be careful not to stereotype male and female roles. These are found to stunt personal development – especially if they include beliefs about superior male and inferior female roles. Each child, regardless of gender, has to be encouraged to reach his or her own potential, without guilt or apology.

 Personality

There are three main components of personality: emotionality, which is a tendency to become upset or distressed easily; levels of activity, which children show in terms of amount of movement, speed of talking or amount of energy put into any activities and restlessness; and sociability, the searching out for social contact and preference to be with others and sharing activities.

Your child will show a mix of these three components in varying amounts.  It will be possible to note that your child has a bias in one or more direction, being more emotional, more active or more sociable. Emotional babies cry a lot and are hard to sooth; active babies don’t sleep very much and are restless; sociable babies respond to cuddles and being easily quietened.

Your job is to accept any of these traits shown in excess but also to encourage your child to move in the direction of the other two.  Emotional children need reassurance, support, guidance and help in dealing with strong emotions so that they can feel secure and less emotional. A child who is always on the move can be helped to slow down by you showing lots of attention and gentle restraint. Playing games with an active child can encourage her to concentrate and increase attention span.

So are you doing your best?  Here’s a list of things that characterize a good parent[1]

 A good parent

  • Supports the child at all times but does not indulge or allow over-dependency
  • Can be depended on by the child; you need to be consistent and predictable
  • Is reasonably permissive and giving within firm boundaries; use your own sense of values and don’t simply follow the herd if you disagree with society’s current practices
  • Is fair in discipline; be sure the child knows the boundaries and consequences for challenging them
  • Respects the child’s individuality
  • Inspires love not fear
  • Sets a good example and models expected behaviours
  • Is companionable and does things with the child; sets time aside for this
  • Is good natured most of the time;
  • Shows the child affection and expresses affection as well; let the child know what her most loveable qualities are
  • Is sympathetic when the child is hurt or in trouble and gives plenty of time to listen and help
  • Encourages the child to bring friends home
  • Is interested in and focused on making a happy home
  • Grants independence appropriate for the child’s age
  • Does not expect unreasonable achievements

 [1]Dr Miriam Stoppard

Parents – trust your instincts

 

It’s the end of another term and with that comes the report from school.  Now, as parents, you have to read what one or more other human beings think of your child. This can be a pleasure but can also cause confusion and even concern.  How seriously should you take the schools’ verdict on your child’s performance, behaviour, growing personality and abilities?

Obviously teachers are trained professionals and can be very helpful in identifying areas needing help or areas of great potential.  But as a parent, you are equipped with knowledge and understanding of your child that no other person can hope to equal.  For this reason, my message today is that you should learn to trust in your ‘gut feelings’ concerning your child – especially if they conflict with the opinions of others.

Over many years of dealing with families whose children show one or other need, I’ve come to value the opinions of parents.  Very often conversations with them are prefaced with “I’m only his/her parent so I’m probably wrong, but ……”.  Then the parent goes on to present me with a description of the child that, after thorough evaluation, is found to be highly accurate and insightful, but sometimes contradicts the teacher’s findings.

I’ve known many parents who instinctively felt that their child wasn’t really ready to learn, yet felt intimidated enough by officialdom to send them into formal schooling.  Sometime down the line, they are referred for help with problems caused not by any lack of intelligence but instead a slower rate of neurodevelopment. Others may instinctively know that their young child is ready for school but are told to keep them back.  These children may end up being frustrated and bored at school and have to possibly take the unwise step in being accelerated into a higher grade somewhere along the line.

This doesn’t mean that parents don’t ever make mistakes.  Plenty of parents are guilty of pushing their children too fast and too far before they are ready; they are over-ambitious for children to succeed; some neglect children unintentionally due to work and lifestyle pressures, some refuse to recognise a needy area in the child, and so on.  That, however, is not the message intended here. 

I could write screeds about the occasions when parents were spot on in their analysis of the causes of their child’s behaviour, in contrast with that of the school.  I recall a parent desperately sharing her feeling that her young son’s undesirable, hyperactive, non-compliant behaviour during the Grade 0 school day was due to his disinterest in classroom events.  This was not accepted by the teacher, who saw the symptoms as being signs of anti-social tendencies, mental disorders, impulsivity, disobedience and more.  The mother persevered with her belief and did not seek any intervention. The following year saw a drastic change in behaviour and when challenged, the youngster offered, “School is better now. We’re learning proper stuff.”

Something else to be taken into consideration is that what you want to teach your child is not necessarily what others want to teach theirs.  What your child needs to be taught depends on the society into which he is being raised and in which he will have to cope.  That means that others may not understand the culture of your family and have unrealistic expectations of your child – and your way of raising him.

When you feel that something is not right with your child, with the school situation, with health issues, with friendships, you don’t need to apologise for being ‘only’ a parent.  You don’t always need to rush off for professional confirmation or intervention. It is helpful to have an impartial outsider confirm your beliefs and in some cases might be wise, but this isn’t always essential. The chances are that you’ll have your child’s best interests at heart and your decisions and actions will be based on the most intimate and complete knowledge of the child possible.  Added to that, you know the child’s origins – you understand the gene pool that created him or her.  Trust your feelings.

Contact Details

Telephone
Cell

Fax

+27 (0) 21 873 4951
+27 (0) 82 559 9966
+27 (0) 82 414 4814
+27 (0) 86 691 0051

Email  Find an ILT Practitioner near you