Discipline versus punishment

 

Here’s a quote from Carl Zuckmayer that might be worth passing on to your children. It carries a lot of truth:

One half of life is luck; the other half is discipline – and that’s the important half, for without discipline, you will not know what to do with your luck.

Sometimes people misunderstand the difference between discipline and punishment, believing them to have the same meaning. Not so.  Discipline refers to the training adults give to youngsters to bring about self-control.  Consistent, gentle discipline causes life-long changes in the mind and character of children.  Punishment is meant to cause pain or discomfort for breaking rules.  Typically children are verbally scolded, sent into time out, relieved of toys or special privileges (e.g. TV time) or even given physical hidings or smacks.

Punishment can, of course, form part of disciplining but it should never be the only way that parents use to correct wrongdoing.

Here are some ways of disciplining children

  • Ignore unacceptable behaviour.This can be useful and effective for many problem behaviours such as sulking, whining, interrupting, begging for treats, or insulting authority figures (parents/teachers).   There are situations where you cannot ignore the child, such as when they are physically hurt.  Don’t try to ignore behaviour if you are truly angry inside because children will pick up on your fury and know their behaviour has had the desired result.  When you ignore, you should try to avoid paying attention to behaviours that you have clearly explained as being unacceptable.
  • Setting boundaries. Children should have set limits that are strictly enforced with patience and firmness.
  • Give simple orders. Keep your instructions simple, clear and brief. Children are confused if too much detail is given.Also try to give instructions one at a time rather than a whole list of them. When you speak to your children, look at them and don’t call out orders from a distance.   If you have any doubt as to whether a child has understood your instructions, ask them to repeat them to you.
  • Spend time with your children.Emotional development depends on the love and attention of parents.  This means interacting with your children on their level. Reading the newspaper or watching TV doesn’t count as ‘quality time.’
  • Give choices within limits. Children want and need to feel some control.Having some positive control helps them be independent and confident.  Rather than always giving orders, set limits instead.  Parents can also involve children in determining the disciplinary process and setting consequences (punishments). This helps development of independence and cooperation. 
  • Help children understand consequences, which are the results of choices the children make.There are two kinds of consequences: natural and logical. Natural consequences just happen. For example, if children do not eat, they get hungry.  Logical consequences is created by parents, so a child who purposely hits his sister with his new toy will have to give it up.
  • Be consistent.Always treat the same behaviour the same way, no matter the place or time. The more consistent you are, the more effective disciplining will be. Parents need especially to stay consistent in public, which is usually the most difficult and unpleasant.  Don’t worry about what others are thinking but simply persist in maintaining the limits that are important to you.  For example, if a child misbehaves in a restaurant, the child should be taken outside for a while. She can return after a while but don’t keep food for her. Although unpleasant, missing her food treat helps to teach her the limits.
  • Notice good behaviour.Be sure to catch your child being good and obeying limits. Let them know you approve by positive words and actions.

The source of this information was based on the book ‘Help your child to cope’ by Dr Cai Yiming & Dr Daniel Fung.

  

The boss in your child’s brain

Our children are young, so we expect them to be irresponsible, to need our advice and supervision. We don’t expect them to be able to independently plan to meet their goals, do their homework, safely cross the road or to take on complex tasks while still very young.  Why not? What is it about childhood that prevents them from these responsible behaviours?

It’s all about brain development, of course. Tasks that require wise decision making, organising, planning, managing time, thinking before you act and avoiding impulsivity are part of the functions of the front part of the brain – called the prefrontal cortex.  This happens to be the very last part of the brain to develop completely – at around age 25 years.  This is why adolescence can be a difficult and dangerous age.  Young people have so much knowledge, skills and ability yet don’t have the brain development needed to always supervise their own actions in a wise, responsible way.  We call the functions performed by this part of the brain Executive Functions.  The prefrontal cortex is literally the boss of the brain.

 Most children gradually develop this brain area but some may be slower in some areas than others.  They may struggle with completing tasks, remembering what homework has been set, being able to  stay on task, recalling important detail, and controlling strong emotions.  All of us tend to develop unevenly – with some aspects streaking ahead but others lagging behind.  This is normal and not necessarily a sign of a serious problem.  It is also normal for such a child to need support while waiting for a very natural progression of brain development. 

There are ways to help.  Leaving such children alone may prevent them from reaching their potential and labelling slower development negatively may impair the very development they need.  Supporting them in positive ways can help them over obstacles.

 A useful website to visit for clear explanation of executive functions, help that works and ways that could worsen the situation is written by Seth Perler.  The website (Google Seth Perler.com) is available and contains a wealth of information about Executive Functioning and helping to coach children through challenges.  You might find the information valuable.

 

My child can’t handle change – Why?

 

When browsing through my library recently, I opened one of the older books on the shelf.  Very soon, I was reading with delight some words of wisdom that are as relevant today as they were back in the middle of the last century!  I’m talking about the book published by the Gesell Institute, titled Child Behaviour and written by Frances Ilg and Louise Ames, with numerous reprints, in the 19550’s (yes, no typo – it really was written so long ago).

 

The section I enjoyed dealt with the still common problem experienced by many children today who find it difficult to make shifts. This means that they cannot move easily from one thing to another, or from one behaviour, activity or situation to another.  Without help, they simply become stuck.

 

We all have unique personalities and they may present us with certain problems. Indeed, most people have aspects of personality that they find problematic.  A struggle to adapt easily to change is one of these. It isn’t because the child is bad, naughty or difficult.  It isn’t a ‘fault’ in the child but simply an aspect of personality.  She may be perfectly normal in all respects except for her inability to handle change.

 

Such children may resist new foods and prefer eating the same thing for every meal.  They may find it hard to go to sleep at night, then (after sleeping well) find it difficult to shift back to wakefulness.  When playing, they may be able to entertain themselves well for hours but resist shifting from one form of play to another. For example, he may continue to play with lego because he will find it too hard to shift to another toy.  Typically, parents of such children find it hard to encourage them to leave their play to come to supper, visit a relative, go shopping, or anything else.

 

In relationships with others, this personality trait may cause such children to be fine with one person at a time, but find it hard to shift from one person to another.  For example, from mother to nursery school teacher.  They will find it hard to leave a parent when it is time for school – and then find it hard to leave school to go home with the parent.

 

How do we help such children?  Certainly we can’t scold or punish them when they resist change.  They truly need help from their parents whenever there is a transition to be made. Sometimes it helps to provide the changes which she needs and can’t manage herself. An example would be to have the child go find her mother in the playground rather than being met in the classroom, or having a new pair of pyjamas to put on in order to break the bedtime ritual that has become such a struggle.

 

Of course, some children show reluctance to change in very particular situations and something else may be found to underlie their behaviour.  There are many possible reasons for what can be seen as Separation Anxiety, or fear of change due to a traumatic event.  What is discussed here is different – we’re describing children who are born with this aspect of personality.  

 

If a child has a personality that resists change in general then it is likely that she will keep that personality trait throughout her life.  Accept that there is nothing you have done to cause this, and nothing you can do to change it.   You can help her understand herself and provide the kind of situation that makes her feel most comfortable and able to cope with change.  But don’t try to change her or make her feel guilty.  Individuality is inborn.

 

Integrated Learning Therapy (ILT) is forever searching for ways of helping children cope better with problems associated with development, neurodevelopment and learning.  Visit our website www.ilt.co.za to learn more about our approach and find practitioners near you to offer help.   We also offer courses to parents, teachers and other helping professionals to better understand the reasons underlying children’s learning difficulties and puzzling behaviours.  The courses are accredited with SACE, ETDP-SETA and HPCSA.

 

You are welcome to write to us at info@ilt.co.za.

 

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Righting writing problems

 

 

It’s quite common that primary school learners show uneven development when it comes to fine motor skills. The small muscle coordination needed for printing and writing seems to develop more slowly than other abilities. This is more often seen in boys than girls. The boys, however, seem to be better able to manipulate small objects like Lego, computer mouses, and screwdrivers than pencils, so their skill with these objects doesn’t reflect their struggles to control a pencil.

Many of them may, as a result, develop some anxiety related to written work.  They may be fluent speakers and communicate brilliant ideas or relate experiences with gusto, but come to a halt when asked to write it down. Children typically equate ‘fast’ with ‘smart’ so when they cannot produce good written work quickly, they stop trying, work too fast and carelessly and make excuses about written work being ‘too boring.’ This develops into them disliking writing and developing anxieties about written tasks. 

Last week, I shared Dr Sylvia Rimm’s tips for reducing reading anxiety.  This week, I’m summarising the suggestions she gives for helping children overcome ‘pencil anxiety’.  The source is her book ‘Why bright kids get poor grades: and what you can do about it.’

  • Encourage the child’s use of a computer or other keyboard for all drafts when asked to write a story or complete other written tasks.The schools are more open to this these days and may even allow the child to hand in the printed work rather than struggle to write it out.
  • Allow your child to use fine line markers instead of pencils as their fibre tips run more easily over the paper. Ask the school to give permission for their use in the classroom as well.
  • Make comments that will help to change expectations. Tell the child that intelligence and speed are not the same. Some examples are:
  • Although some smart children finish work quickly, others, just as smart, are slow workers
  • Quality is more important than quantity
  • Authors always write may drafts before they feel satisfied
  • Try this ‘speeding’ exercise. It’s a personal self-competition model. They can copy written material or write out maths facts. You’ll need a stopwatch and multiple sheets of the same maths facts or written material to copy. Have them first copy the material and set a baseline time to record on a calendar.The next day they can write the same material and mark the time. The goal is to beat their own time. Writing the same material every day may get boring, but they’ll soon fine they can write much faster. They’ll become much more relaxed about times tests if timing becomes a daily habit and they can see their improvement.

Of course, some children need help to strengthen the small muscles responsible for pencil control.  Usually help can be given by an Occupational Therapist and schools are quick to refer to these professionals. 

If you don’t have access to an OT, here are two strengthening exercises that you can do at home:

  • The child squeezes and releases a stress ball in one hand several times, then changes hands. Encourage the habit of using the stress ball during times of relaxation, such as watching TV or driving in the car. The hand does get tired as the muscles feel the work-out so don’t overdo it.Doing the exercise regularly is more important than the length of time spent on it.
  • Take a length of toilet paper (start with about 1 metre).The child holds one end in his hand and crumples the length into a ball in the palm of his hand.  When he’s finished, straighten the paper and let the other hand have a turn. Even though we want to strengthen the muscles of the writing (dominant) hand, we want to work on both hands. This activity can also be done while watching TV or driving in a car.  As the hands get stronger, lengthen the strip of paper.

Be aware of air

 

There is a lot in the news about greenhouse gases and their effect on climate change. There is also a lot written about the the appalling air pollution in Asia, which is the reason for many Asian’s habit of wearing face masks in an attempt to protect themselves.  But what is the position in South Africa – and why should we be concerned for our children?

 

Young children are particularly vulnerable to air quality because they are smaller than adults. With every breath, they take in more air per unit of adult weight than adults. This means that if air contains toxins, they will be breathing in proportionately more toxic air than adults do.  This is why air pollution is associated with childhood diseases such as pneumonia, asthma, bronchitis and other respiratory conditions.  These can be debilitating, resulting in children missing school and possibly causing long-lasting damage to their health and well-being.

 

But there are also implications for children’s developing brains. We are told that the first 1 000 days of life are crucial to a child’s future. This is the period when the brain undergoes the most critical and rapid growth – and the neurons (brain cells) and neural connections formed during this stage of brain development provide the foundation for all future, healthy brain structure and function.  In other words, this period is crucial for children’s ability to later learn and fulfill their potential in life.

 

Air pollution can affect children’s brains by several mechanisms.   Firstly, certain pollutants can break down the blood-brain barrier, which is a delicate membrane protecting the brain from toxic substances.  Once this barrier is breached, toxins may enter and damage the brain.  Secondly, very tiny air pollution particles can enter the body through the olfactory nerve and the gut.  One of these is Magnetite, which is common in urban outdoor pollution and is highly toxic to the brain.  Thirdly, some forms of pollutants formed from fossil fuel combustion can contribute to damage of brain cells that are needed to help neurons communicate throughout the brain.  These connections are vital for learning.

Where do you live?

In 2016, the South African authorities that track air pollution updated the regions of our country that have the most polluted air.  Not surprising, densely populated cities are on this list but other smaller areas also make the list due to mining operations in their proximity.  You might be surprised that the area in the top spot is Hartebeespoort. The reason for this is its location. It is close to both Johannesburg and Pretoria, as well as several mining operations. Overall, (according to the latest report) it ranks 162nd as the most air-polluted area in the world.

Here are the most air-polluted areas in our country:

  1. Hartebeespoort
  2. Tshwane
  3. Johannesburg
  4. Vereeniging
  5. Sebokeng
  6. Mpumalanga
  7. Zamdela 
  8. Secunda
  9. Dieploof
  10. Waterberg
  11. Witbank
  12. Ermelo
  13. Cape Town
  14. Durban
  15. Middelburg

So, what to do if you live in one of these areas?  There are some things that you can try, which is what I’ll write about in the next post.

 

When does my child need help?

 

All children, and adults, go through periods of difficulties.  Children’s development occurs in stages and sometimes they may show unusual behaviour that may simply be a sign that they are ‘going through’ a growth stage.  So when do you sit up, take notice and realise that your child may be in need of help?

 

Obviously families have periods of crises and stress, so if this is the cause of a child’s learning difficulties, you’ll probably be able to put two and two together and determine how best to help. But how do you know when the trouble is probably school-based?

 

Perhaps this list may be useful.   Your child may be having trouble in school that needs your immediate attention if you notice any one or more of the following:

 

  • Your usually cooperative child begins to be disobedient at school
  • Your usually social child becomes aggressive and even hurts other children
  • Your child shows a reluctance and even refusal to go to school
  • Your child has tummy aches or headaches on most school mornings
  • Your child becomes quieter, seems sad and disinterested in schoolwork
  • Your child is said to be restless and unable to sit quietly at school
  • Your child is reported to be doing less well than expected in schoolwork
  • Your child gets poor marks for tests in spite of having learned the work at home
  • Your child has difficulty learning new skills or simply remembering things

 

The first step will obviously be a meeting with the teacher. Be sure to discuss what happens on the playground as well as what is observed in the classroom.  Sometimes interactions in the peer group or even bullying might be a problem.  Find out what the teacher has done to help the child in the classroom, but if the problem persists, you might have to look further for help.

 

One source of help is from Integrated Learning Therapy (ILT) practitioners. We follow an holistic approach, looking carefully for underlying causes of learning difficulties and puzzling behaviours. Often the problem is based in the child’s neurodevelopment, meaning that his or her brain is underdeveloped and needs ‘catch-up’ time to mature in all areas.  Sometimes the problem can be caused by environmental offenders (think nutrition, allergies and the like) that need to be addressed.

 

ILT doesn’t believe in ‘one size fits all’ or that there is an easy, quick way to help a child overcome learning difficulties. We do, however, know that our careful, thorough assessment and dedicated work with children result in changing their attitude of “I can’t” into “I can”.  Our reward is their renewed pleasure in school

 

To learn more about our approach, visit our website at www.ilt.co.za.  You’ll also find a list of practitioners near you to help as well as courses you can take to further your understanding of how children’s brains develop and what might go wrong.  As a result, you’ll be in a better position to help.  After all, parents are the first source of help for all children!

 

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